Less amusing, one of the computer guys wrote me a note in the most appalling handwriting I’ve seen in a quite some time. It looked like it was written by an 84 year-old, but I’m guessing that he’s young and hasn’t had to do much non-computer writing. I’m embarrassed for him, but I doubt that he’s embarrassed for himself.
Dear Ms. Holmes,
We have opened the SAaLI Unit [a Project computer—sort of] and found on the bottom of the unit a slightly raised oval, approximately 3” in diameter, comprised of a dark orange, greasy substance.
Could you please tell us what this is and how it got there?
Sincerely
V.J.
Address
I need more data, because I don’t think that this is statistically possible, but it may be that there are only two answers to everything. One is: Who knows? The other is: It’s Gina’s fault. While it’s true that I lied to the SAaLI designers when I returned the unit to them after it “malfunctioned” (a.k.a., melted), mine were lies of omission and weren’t solidly grounded in time and space—nothing so dreadfully 3-D as a blob.
Rather than have a Being & Nothingness Cam Team meeting, I called each member instead. Hey, do you know about a greasy blob at the bottom of the SAaLI Unit? Something like a hard orange puddle? I know that this is the fourth time someone’s asked you this today, but I have to do my job.
Tom seemed to take it personally, like an accusation; Sia was puzzled; Phaye sounded wary.
Dear Mr. V.J,
For reasons that are too complicated to explain, we had a monkey with us in the office for three days, and it is possible that he pushed some cheddar cheese into one of the computer housing vents. This is a guess, but he was sometimes unattended and I have confirmed that we had cheese around the office.
I hope this is helpful.
Sincerely, etc.
P.S. Did you ever see those funny home videos where the parents discover that their kid has jammed a grilled cheese sandwich into the VCR? They’re a riot.
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