My Letter to the SAaLI Guys

I sent a letter to the gentlemen in Irvine who designed/invented/oversaw the SAaLI unit/computer, and I realized that I should have asked them what they wanted me to call them (not who they are, because they seem like the hissy fit types), but how they would like me to refer to them. Since they know my last name it seems only fair. At this time I’m sticking with calling them the SAaLI guys and the Magic Box the SAaLI Unit.

I decided to give them the benefit of the doubt and not address them as though they are self-important little pukes cocooned in experimental Hi-TechLand worried about loosing their funding. I addressed them, rather, as worried, isolated smart dudes working their way through a very critical moment in their careers--who are worried about loosing their funding.

They didn't deserve good stationary, so on the back of a E-ticket printout regarding Virgin America’s baggage policy I hand wrote:

Dear Gentlemen,

Responding to your letter dated March 26 I wish to emphasize that neither I nor my staff took any intentional action that caused the malfunction and failure of the SAaLI Unit. In our future correspondence please don’t address me like an irresponsible teenager. At your age you should know if you want people to be cooperative you don't insult them.

I can provide you with the following information:

1. The Unit was installed between 12/12/09 and 1/12/10 when I was not present;

2. On March 1, it stopped doing the weekly Project summaries;

3. On March 12, an employee accidentally pulled loose bundles of cabling and/or power lines;

4. At that time all electrical equipment in the office failed;

5. During or shortly after that failure we found that the Unit was sealed closed;

6. We determined that for safety reasons the Unit should be removed from the office;

7. The Unit was securely packaged and placed to the rear of the building.

Please contact me if you need further information.

Sincerely,

Etc.

Okay, so I omitted that Dirk had unscrewed the back and looked inside. It's not like he was struck blind. And I didn’t say anything about once using it for a footrest. And I didn’t mention that we put the Unit it outside since for all we knew it was going to start sucking small objects into it.