The Letter I Sent to the Masomenis Corporation

Going back to my story of how I first swirled my toe in the pool that overflowed into the Being & Nothingness Cam Project, in July 2008 I wrote a hand-written letter on blank printer paper to the Masomenis Corporation in Redlands, California, to comment on an internet ad I had seen for an at-home defibrillator.

The only things I’d sent in the last fifteen years in my actual hand were my duck cards. At a garage sale ages ago I found a huge box of blank cards with a sappy painting of ducks on the front. I bought all of them, and have been sending them out for every occasion ever since. I still have about 200. If you want some let me know.

This is the letter I sent to the Masomenis Corporation:

“Dear Madam/Sir,

I am writing regarding your web ad for a home defibrillator. I am intrigued and I wish to obtain more information about your product before I consider purchasing it. I would appreciate something more specific and extensive than a sales brochure. Would you be so kind as to respond to this letter and answer the following:

Is it the same defibrillator that I would find at a hospital?

Would my seven year old daughter be able to operate it?

Is it small enough to fit on my nightstand?

Does it work on pets?

How do I know that it has high enough amplitude to be effective?

Will you train me?

What kind of paper does it take to record a read-out?

Is this legal in the United States?

I saw this ad because I was looking up information on my friend’s computer. I do not own a computer and that is why you are receiving a letter rather than an email.

If this is not a real product and your company is fictitious, then this is one of the better bogus devices I’ve seen advertised. Thanks for the laugh.

Sincerely,

g. holmes

Address”

This was a bunch of crap, of course, but I wanted to see if they would return my letter and answer my questions. After I mailed it I thought about the letter and getting a response for a few weeks, and then went on to do whatever I did next, which I think was gearing up for taking a performance nosedive at my government job. I’ll have to look at my date book.