1. The bears’ aggressive cuteness begs us banish it to a nebulous oblivion, doesn't it? Its manufacture, however, gave someone a whole few seconds of work, even if they got fluff in their trachea and eyes.
B. No sober person would buy this for themselves. Perhaps it's an impulse gift from your mother, or a stuffed animal you grabbed with a claw machine that you were glad wasn't bright blue (the animal, not the machine). It’s an inanimate stand-in reminding you of a person, an unanticipated hospital stay, or warning never to use that dating site again.
3. Brought to a developing country, this little guy could be significant in a way we couldn’t imagine-- or may not wish to imagine, depending on if an adult or a child gets it and their religious affiliation. In any case, it would be a lot cooler there than it is here.
NOTE: In 2009, the Catholic University of Eichstätt-Ingolstadt determined that the bear pictured below was the most happening bear around.
This weeks’ score reflects social ability, so it must be on a division scale, which is nice and capricious.*
Total Cosmic Score Points Possible Week Two: 39
35-39: Being at the top is great, but you have to kill stuff and you can’t sleep late. You are among The Rare Ones who can keep bananas from ripening too fast, and you are much admired. You would never sue anyone under any circumstances because you understand how much work is entailed. Stop talking about media cynicism to people you’re not trying to impress.
25-34: You are terrific at being good at Lots of Stuff. You covet the top spot, however, and you’re not the best at hiding that. This makes people believe that you might sue whether or not its their fault. You wouldn’t sue just for money, though. You are able to make giving a ride home to a friend of a friend comfortable for both of you.
18-24: You’ve learned to embrace the middle of the road and you can get along with a variety of people. You understand that being in the middle of the road means that you’re great at dodging things and that if you’re on a road with a nicely planted center divider you’re having a snack while everyone else is driving like crazy. No one knows if you would or wouldn’t sue, and if so, why.
10-17: It’s somewhere in this point category that someone says, “Are you not trying?” or “You’re better than this.” If the very idea of having to rebut those statements makes you want to take a nap, your instincts are good. Once in a while you endear yourself to others because you’ll say something like, “Can sharks fart?” People think you really would sue.
1-9: You either have poor people skills, which is frustrating, or you don’t care about keeping score which is sick cool. It’s possible for you to go to a function in your honor and fall asleep. You would never sue anyone under any circumstances because you understand that it’s a lot of work. You can be mature if necessary, like and when someone talked about “the stability of gas balls” you didn’t giggle.
No one gets a zero. How deeply do you want to go into the concept of nothing?
* Remember to add together your first and second week scores, write the number on a post-it and put it somewhere that makes complete sense at the time.
1. I don't know what this is, do you? Who the hell knows, but it’s pretty creepy-looking and you should probably keep your distance.
B. It’s too Georgia O’Keef-y as far as it's representation of anatomy, even if she said her own work was flowers. It's hard to blame her for this particular object, though, since Georgia O'Keefe has been dead for quite some time and that's put a dent in her painting output.
3. You should try to be more like the rest of mankind and reject first and ask questions later. If you think that this thing doesn't belong in an eternal void then you aren't getting enough fiber in your diet.
Cosmic Points:
7
The winner is…
BEING!
Why:
1. You saw this one coming a mile off, didn't you? The answer hasn't changed since May 28. I should have done something different. Sorry.
B. It took me quite some time to make this dumb little fake ransom note, although I guess I'm complaining more about the attention span required rather than the time.
3. The irregular-sized confetti from the magazine trimmings makes a terrific cat toy for a good, what, forty-two seconds. It sure as hell was longer than that scrunchy fabric bag that cost nine bucks and promised “hours of fun.”
Total Cosmic Score Points:
2
I still lied and this still counts towards your TCS.
