The Letter from the SAALI Computer Guys

This handwritten note arrived yesterday from the “gentlemen in Irvine” who are the designers of the SAALI unit/computer that used to sit in the corner of the Being & Nothingness Cam Project office:

“Dear Ms. Holmes,

We have safely received the SAaLI via FedEx. Your interference in the functioning of this unit is completely unacceptable and outside of your tasks as administrator of the Being & Nothingness Cam Project. We will be reporting your actions to the Project grantors.

We need further information regarding your actions and their effect on the unit in order to explore how it shall be repaired. What did you do to make your office power fail on March 11? What did you do before that time that changed the routine functions of the unit? How did you seal closed the seams and ports on the unit? Where has the unit been since the power failure?

Please refrain from stating that the units' acronym stands for “Self-Aware and Lovin’ It.” This is incorrect and insulting. Within our agreement with the grantors we may tell you only that “Sentient” and “Locator” are two of the words within the acronym.

Sincerely,

Multiple Initials

Blah Address”

Wow. They didn’t even have the huevos rancheros to give me their last names. I hashed out a response (in longhand, of course), but it may need some editing and a re-write:

“Dear Pompous Buttheads,

In response to your letter dated March 27, I’ll admit that, naturally, even though you are the conceptual artists, designers and technicians of the SAaLI unit everything that has happened is my fault. I am sorry that I made it get squirrely two weeks after it was set up and that I blew out the office power for entertainment.

If you have further questions please feel free to contact me in hell.

Sincerely,

Me

P.S. If you work at that little private college east of Irvine, your campus is charming.”